Hope in the midst of Hurt

As part of our graveside service for Cade, Craig and I spent some time praying over and reflecting upon our hurts and hopes during this journey so far. We wrote those down and they were shared with our family and friends. We feel it is appropriate to share them here also. My hope in sharing the deepest parts of my heart here is to declare that as Christians, we have a hope that is far greater than our hurt. Yes, we are hurt. No, we don't understand many things. No, things are not okay. We are hurt. Our hearts have been torn in two. But, we have a hope that surpasses our hurts. Our hope is in our Lord.

JoDee's Hurts and Hopes:

There have been more feelings through this journey than I even have words to describe. Some of the biggest can fall into the category of ‘hurts’. It hurts that our dreams have been shattered. We all have dreams for our lives. Mine included having children. When I found out we were pregnant with each child, I began to dream about that child. This time was no different. Would it be a boy or a girl? What would he/she look like? What would their little personality be like? What gifts would they have? It hurts that those dreams were brought to a sudden stop so early. I had twenty weeks to dream about a happy life with this child I carried.

It hurt to find out Cade was a boy. Our little boy! God had given us a boy this time! Only to find out that same day, that we could not keep that little boy. I could not raise him, hold him when he cried, see him smile and laugh, kiss him, rock him, feed him, change him, dress him. All the things mommies get to do with little boys.

It hurt to feel him move inside me and know that he would not move the same way after we delivered him. With each punch or kick I felt, I smiled, but knew I would not see him crawl, walk or run. It hurt to know I would never hear his little voice. Not only would I not hear him speak, but I would not hear him cry.

I also hurt for Craig and my girls. I wanted Craig to have a little boy. It hurts to know he will not be able to have a son to raise. He has so many things to teach a boy. It hurts that I will not get to watch him love and teach Cade. He will not get to raise that little boy into a wonderful man like he is. It hurts that Adilyn and Audrey will not get to play with and love on their brother as they grow up. They have such sweet and motherly little hearts. I know they would be great big sisters. Adi has had a chance to be a big sister, and she is great at it. She loves being the boss and teaching Audrey how to do things. It hurts to know she will not get that chance to be a big sister to Cade. And Audrey...what kind of big sister would she have been? She couldn’t stop kissing and hugging her baby brother in the hospital. It hurts that I will not be able to see her play with him and love on him and watch her grow into a great big sister as well.

Selfishly, it hurts that I have to endure the process and recovery of a C-section without the blessing of taking my baby home at the end of the day. It hurts that my body has milk to feed a hungry baby but no baby to nurse.

but...

Because of my God, I have bigger hopes. I know that God is bigger and greater and more powerful than I. He knows first hand the hurts of my heart and the pains of this world. My hope is that through Cade’s life, someone will be blessed. I hope that others can see the immense love we had for our baby boy. I hope that God will use baby Cade’s story to somehow help other children. Maybe those children have yet to be born and may not get the chance to. Maybe they have already been born and are not blessed with earthly parents who can love and care for them. I hope that in someway, God will use Cade’s story will provide those children love and hope. I hope that God will use Cade to help us teach our girls about God’s love for us. I hope that our hearts will be tuned with God’s. That we will see God’s touch in our lives daily, not just in our blessings or in our trials, but daily as we walk with Him. I hope that all of us will get to see and hold Cade again. Because my hope is greater than my hurt. My hope is in Jesus!

Craig's Hurts and Hopes:

I really wanted to raise a boy.

I wanted to do it the way I pictured it.

I wanted to be able to teach him some of the things my dad taught me.

I wanted to be able to teach him about old cars, riding motorcycles and flying airplanes.

I wanted to teach him about Jesus and why we love Him so much.

I wanted that father/son relationship.

I had a picture of what this was suppose to look like and this is not it. I’m hurt because God didn’t give us what we thought we needed... which is a life filled with many years of having Cade around. Why didn’t He heal him miraculously like we prayed for so much? I’m not supposed to be burying my own child and it hurts. I’m hurt that JoDee had to endure the pain of giving our family a child and now has to go through recovering from that surgery while grieving the lose of Cade. It hurts to have to see my girls excitement about their new baby brother, then have to explain to them why we don’t have him anymore (the very next day). I don’t believe God caused this, but He did allow it... why didn’t He stop it or change it? This whole situation isn’t what we wanted... and I’m hurt that our family has to endure such heartache.

but.

My hope is in Christ Jesus who died for a wicked and sinful world. My hope is in the fact that I don’t have to be strong because God is strong. I don’t have to bare the weight of this, God is. I don’t have to question everything on earth because God already conquered it. And I don’t have to understand this situation because God understands it... and that has to be good enough for me. I love reading Job 38 because it reminds me of how different I am than God. I’ll read a part of it: Job 38 1-12.

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: "Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone - while the morning stars sand together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; her is where your proud waves halt'? Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place...

His power and plans are far greater than anything I can see so I look forward to seeing what outcomes God has in store for His people through this hardship.

A huge hope/promise... that I will see Cade again and I look forward to that day when we are reunited so I can hold him again. Next, I hope God continues His relentless pursuit of my heart. From the very beginning of this (starting last year with a little “tug” to go to an orphanage in Peru) I believe God has been preparing us and calling us to Himself. He knew that we needed to be in Abilene, so he called us to move back home. He knew that we needed to go to Peru for many reasons... the kids, the relationships formed there, the relationships developed with Ricky and Cindy, with Phil and Donna and with all the other couples that went to Peru. He knew that we needed to get to know the a very special couple so He has lead us down almost the exact same path (at the same time). This couple were 2 weeks ahead of us in delivery date, diagnosed with similar outcomes, live down the road from us, had all the same doctors we did, delivered on the same day as we did, our babies lived for about the same length of time, we were next door to them after the deliveries and recovered from surgery across the hall from each other. I think God is telling us that this is a couple that we need to get to know better. All of this is not by mistake... these things are happening because God is in control of all things, and I’m excited to see all He has in store to bring glory back to Himself through Cade’s life.

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In Him our hears rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May you unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22