The emotional healing is nothing you can prepare for. My girls are such beautiful distractions. They are so fun and full of life. They run and play, laugh and giggle. The house is full of the sounds of childhood. Little girls squealing with delight, princesses dancing at the ball, and sister's pushing each other's buttons. It is a beautiful sound. Most days, I keep myself busy being mommy to these two little angels. Then, bedtime comes and I am lonely. I'm missing something. I'm missing a third little angel to put to bed. The one that should have been here all day hearing the same sweet sounds of his sisters.
It's not that I don't think about Cade during the day. I catch myself daydreaming about what he would have been or how he would have fit into our family all the time. They just seem to be happier moments, not moments when I just let myself miss him. I need to miss him just as much as I need to be distracted. Both are good places to be.
Time passing is a strange feeling now. I know that each week, day, hour is one more closer to seeing him again. But then again, each week, day, hour is one more further away from what I knew of him. How long will my human mind hold that memory? It is still so fresh in my mind. The way he felt and smelled. What he looked like. All the sweet memories of that one sweet day we held him in our arms. I don't want to loose those memories.
The saying, "time will heal" is not very comforting to me right now. I suppose because to me that means that my human memories will begin to fade. And the more they fade, the further away he seems. I still want him close. I want to touch him, kiss him, hold him. Just like I did on the day he was born. Those memories are the closest I can be to him right now. So I am holding on with all my might. How do I let the pain heal without loosing the memories?
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
6 comments:
The healing is so painful, JoDee. The memories are so precious! I feel so blessed to be Adi, Audrey, and Cades granna. Three beautiful children born to loving, adoring parents whose strong faith surpasses the years lived on this earth. I'm so happy God gave you to me for my daughter! Please know I love you and will strive to help the healing in any way I can. Mom
My precious JoDee....time will heal. No, it doesn't take the memories at all...it just takes some of the hurt. That raw searing pain will subside most of the time and in its place will be the sweetness of those precious moments with Cade that will allow you to smile and heal. Remember that God wants you to heal. I love you. You and Craig have been amazing and Mr. Bar and I could not be prouder of you. You are such good parents and you are doing such a fabulous job with "my" girls. Remember what I always tell you...this is just the beginning of what will be such a beautiful story and such a testimony of faith. .Mrs. Julia
Oh JoDee, how I love you. I am still in awe at how we ended up walking this journey side by side the past 3+ months. God gave me such a friend in you.
I am thankful for you because of who you are and how much you love. Your love for your family...for Craig, your girls, and your precious Cade...it is so obvious and evident in your life. And I am also thankful for your love for my family and I. You have been such a source of strength for me; and like you and I always say to each other, I hate that we are having to walk this journey, but I am so grateful God brought us together. I can't imagine having to walk it without you. Oh how you have blessed me. Knowing there was someone who knew JUST how I was feeling, because she was feeling the same way at the same time, was truly amazing. And from reading your post, I just kept nodding my head over and over again; we seem to still be feeling the same things.
Your words are so perfect. You couldn't have said it any more beautifully. If it helps at all, please know I am truly right where you are. I don't want to forget her. Not a thing. And I, too, have a mixture of happiness and sadness, thinking I am one day closer to being reunited with her in heaven one day, which is our ultimate goal, but yet I am sad to think that I am one day further from when I held her in my arms. The memories are so fresh and I don't want them to fade. I don't want her to be forgotten.
Anyhow, you know I could go on and on. Please just know I am loving you and feeling so much of the same emotions. You are so dear to me and I love you, friend.
PS. Breakfast again soon? ;) I really liked your idea of a weekly tradition, just you and I. ;) Ha! Love you, love you, love you!
Still thinking of you and your precious family. Please let me know if there is any way I can help.
wow, that was beautifully written and so honest. Still praying for you guys.
I continue to pray for your family. Your words are so powerful. Thank you for being so open. I love the heart that we can see in your words. Karene
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